before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
