I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
