Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
