Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
