Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
