Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
