Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize