you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
