I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
