why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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