I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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