Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
