does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
