i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
