I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
