I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Operation Purity has been aborted
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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