i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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