true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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