my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
