Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
