you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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