it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
