I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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