I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
