I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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