just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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