booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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