yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
