Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
