i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
