Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
