whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
