so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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