omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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