I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
