did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
