Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
