Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
