after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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