totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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