you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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