life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
