Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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