he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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