okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
