Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
