I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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