He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
