Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
