I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
