I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
