sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize