Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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