Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
