Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
