You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
