So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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