david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
