Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
