Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
