It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize