I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
