Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
