Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So here I am, sexting at work.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
