I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
