I think I died a long time ago.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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